SOUTHERN CAPE NEWS - It was back to school this week after a relatively long Easter school holiday. I think many suffer from "parenting burnout" from time to time. When I noticed a book for parents at a friend's house a while back, I said: "Aren't you doing enough already? Not a parenting book!"
She laughed and said: "It's not that kind of book." So I borrowed it from her.
Yes, the thought of reading a parenting book could send one into instant depression, but what about one whose overall message is: take your foot off the pedal a bit; you are doing okay?
Tim Elmore's 12 huge mistakes parents can avoid is such a book.
Elmore heads up a massive leadership organisation in the United States and is well respected, so he is no fly-by-night. His concern is preparing children to be future leaders. It must be noted the book is written for middle to upper-income earners - those who are privileged.
It is written for parents in the United States and published in 2014 so it is current. Because South Africa is influenced so greatly by American culture the book is extremely relevant here.
Elmore points out that more and more 20-somethings in the States are living at home with their parents, many are unemployed (when there are jobs available) and many are suffering from depression and in psychotherapy or counselling.
These young adults were not neglected or abused. No! Elmore says it was just the opposite. They were molly-coddled, protected from failure, lied to by their parents: told they had the talent to follow careers they were unsuited to because their parents did not wish to hurt their feelings.
They are generally apathetic, expect instant gratification and are not used to setting goals and working hard to achieve them. They are also bad losers. In school, everyone had to get a prize, not just the winner. This killed their competitive spirit.
Elmore notes in his book that many of these individuals grew up wanting to be the next Mylie Cyrus or Nick Jonas.
Their parents did not wish to tell them that they were unsuited to being a singer, actress or model or that they simply did not have the voice or looks; then they were bitterly disappointed when their dreams did not come true and they simply remained the groupies of these stars. The majority of these frustrated fans end up being publicists, secretaries or other types of staff of the stars. Also, they are angry with their parents for lying to them.
We often hear of children misbehaving and getting away with it. Unfortunately, this gives children the message that they can do as they wish and escape the consequences. According to Elmore, a trend is that parents remove the consequences of their children's actions.
Elmore also writes about bullying, saying that portable devices have led to diminished emotional intelligence and less empathy. On the other hand, he says parents are in too much of a flap about bullying and are trying to protect their children too much.
We want our children to be independent, strong, confident contributors to society.
In a nutshell, here are the 12 huge mistakes parents can avoid, according to Elmore. These are listed on the publisher's website, https://www.harvesthousepublishers.com. There is a chapter for each in the book:
1) We Won't Let Them Fail: When we remove the possibility of failure, we dilute kids' motivation to excel.
2) We Project Our Lives on Them: When we project, kids are pressured to become someone they are not.
3) We Prioritize Being Happy: When happiness is the goal instead of a by-product, it is elusive and disappointing.
4) We Are Inconsistent: When we are inconsistent, we send mixed signals and breed insecurity and instability in kids.
5) We Remove the Consequences: When we remove consequences for actions, we fail to prepare kids for the future.
6) We Lie About Their Potential and Don't Explore Their True Potential: When we distort, disillusionment results from dreams that don't match kids' gifts.
7) We Won't Let Them Struggle or Fight: When we eliminate the struggle, kids are conditioned to give up easily without trying.
8) We Give Them Things That They Should Actually be Earning: When we give them too much, they don't learn the art of working and waiting.
9) We Praise the Wrong Things: When we affirm kids' looks or talents instead of their virtues, their values become skewed.
10) We Value Removing All Pain: When we take away pain, kids' ability to endure hardship or loss atrophies.
11) We Do It for Them: When we do things for kids, they can become lazy, unmotivated to grow, and disabled.
12) We Prepare the Path for the Child Instead of the Child for the Path: When we prepare the path, kids' childhoods work fine, but their adulthood looks bleak.
There is an "Overfuntioning Parent Quizz" to do before reading the book and the introduction and first chapter of the book is on the website too, so one can try out the book before buying it! I recommend the book highly.
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