LIFESTYLE NEWS - For many, the festive season revolves around long lunches, lavish braais and big family gatherings, where indulgence is not only acceptable but expected.

However, loved ones living with or recovering from an eating disorder may find this time of year anything but festive.

This is according to Marlene van den Berg, therapeutic manager and occupational therapist at Netcare Akeso Montrose Manor.

Van den Berg points out that people affected by eating disorders often experience fear during the holidays.

The constant focus on food can lead to uncomfortable questions and a feeling of being judged or misunderstood during shared meals.

“While others are discussing desserts and braais on the family WhatsApp group, these individuals are bracing themselves for comments about their bodies, questions or subtle critiques of portion sizes, and the emotional labour of facing relatives who do not understand the complexity of their illness,” she says.

“Research shows that unstructured eating environments and emotionally charged gatherings are some of the most significant triggers for relapse and distress. For someone who struggles with restriction, the multiple courses and shifting routines can feel terrifying. The pressure to ‘be normal’ around food may activate shame and secrecy in a person who binges or overeats. And for those who have worked hard in recovery, the unspoken expectation to act ‘fine’ can feel like a heavy burden.”

Van den Berg notes that family gatherings also heighten emotional dynamics, often involving unresolved tensions, history and the pressure to appear cheerful on cue.

“If someone typically uses food or eating behaviours to cope with emotional stress, holidays can feel like a double challenge: they must manage their emotions and manage the meal, often at the same time. For these loved ones, the greatest gift is often practical sense and personal sensitivity.

“Supporting a loved one with an eating disorder over this time does not mean restricting festive celebrations for everyone else, but rather stepping outside of our assumptions, recognising the individual needs of someone affected by an eating disorder, and helping them cope empathetically,” she says.

A conscious approach to offering support begins with curiosity rather than judgement, says Van den Berg, who suggests creating points of planning and connection as a constructive way forward.

Offer a recovery-based plan

One of the most meaningful ways to offer support is by helping to create a gentle plan for the holidays. This can ground and reassure someone who is still in active recovery.

Together, explore which meals feel manageable, where structure or predictability may be needed, how their meal plan can align with festive menus, their preferences around starters, mains or dessert, and when snacks may be required.

Discuss how they can ask for help when feeling overwhelmed and identify which physical activities support recovery. For those working with a therapist or dietitian, creating this plan in collaboration can be deeply stabilising. Clear plans don’t limit spontaneity - they create safe boundaries for it.

Maintain open and non-judgemental communication

Create private, daily check-in moments.

These are not meant to monitor or police behaviour, but to offer safety and connection — touching base on how your loved one is coping, what feels difficult for them, and what they might need before meals or activities.

This form of gentle, quiet encouragement is more beneficial than public reassurance or concern shown at the table.

Offer moments of safety and calm

Small pockets of calm can provide a much-needed sense of peace during a season that is often emotionally intense and overstimulating.

This could be a moment to sit quietly in the garden, or a gentle cuddle at the end of the day, reminding your loved one that they are not being overlooked and do not have to keep up with the pace around them.

Respond with sense, not panic

When someone is overwhelmed or distressed, emotional reactions - such as panic, anger or rescuing,  can escalate the situation.

Remaining calm allows the intensity to subside before responding. Eating disorders are not about food; they are expressions of deeper emotional pain.

An emotional outburst or shutdown may stem from embarrassment about wearing a swimsuit earlier, or from grief that surfaced unexpectedly. Addressing the core emotion rather than the behaviour fosters connection and healing.

Choose words with care

Offhand remarks about weight, calories, portion sizes, diets and exercise habits - even when framed as jokes - can be deeply triggering and fuel shame or comparison in someone vulnerable to disordered eating.

Sensitivity means being mindful, not silent. Instead of walking on eggshells, simply ask yourself: “Is there a better way for me to talk about this?”

Van den Berg points out that amid the festivities and busyness of the holiday season, families have an opportunity to create a different kind of abundance — one shaped by care, understanding, sense and compassion.

“For someone navigating the challenges of an eating disorder, these are the gifts that truly support recovery and emotional safety. In offering them, we make the holiday period not only more manageable for our loved ones, but more meaningful for ourselves as well,” she concludes.

Marlene van den Berg

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