Luckily the F in Day Four turned out to stand for focus, not for failure or F this. 

‘This’ obviously referring to my effort to quit smoking. And I must say I’ve come pretty close to saying, “F this”.

It’s the insomnia that really gets me down. Sleep is usually a fabulous way to escape the unpleasant parts of life and never before have I craved a cigarette after going to bed, but now, lying awake in the small hours of the morning, I fantasize about the glowing coal of a burning cigarette turning bright red in the dark as I take a long satisfying drag.

People who have never smoked – or at least haven’t been full-on smokers – cannot imagine how what I’ve just described can be pleasurable in any way, but remember, satisfying an addiction is absolute bliss. At least to the addict.

But, the best thing I could have done was to go public with my mission, as the messages of support from friends, family, colleagues, acquaintances and even from complete strangers, keep me strong when the flesh is weak.

An e-mail received from Carol Aston from Heather Park this morning really inspired me to keep going.

Carol wrote:

“There's no getting away from it - it's very tough. I smoked for 30 years and gave up about 17 years ago. The first 2 weeks are the most difficult by far but if you make it through this period, it does get easier.

“ I found the most difficult was the trigger times for enjoying a smoke - first cup of coffee in the morning, after meals, etc. My advice would be to try to keep busy and distract your mind from the thought of enjoying a puff. My first weekend I worked my way through the entire house - emptying out cupboards, cleaning, etc. just to keep busy and occupied.

“Eventually you will develop a new mindset and routine without cigarettes. 

This next line means the most to me.

“Further down the line, if and when you are tempted to have a cigarette you can look back on your current experience and say to yourself, ‘I could never ever go through that again’.”

To think that the suffering of the past 4 days may one day actually prove to be in vain, makes me want to lock myself in a cage and toss the key out of reach.

Carol continues:

“I hope you are successful in quitting smoking. It's worth it for many reasons but mainly your health. Your colleagues, family and friends will simply have to deal with a grumpy Ilse for a while - they should understand and hopefully get over it.” 

Yes, it’s hard not to scratch an itch, but can be even harder on those around you. Sorry everyone.

Carol ends:

“Good luck Ilse - hang on in there. Thinking of you and hope you make it.”

Thank you Carol. I am trying. Really trying.

And Day Five awaits. Another F day.

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